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♪ but all you've got to do is start ♪ ♪ and you can change all your evil molesting ways ♪ ♪ cha! ♪ checha be durta! ♪ he-he! ♪ oh! ♪ ha -- captions by vitac -- captions paid for by mtv networks >> stephen: tonight, the polls are not favoring mitt romney. great, first the british, now he's in trouble with polish people. (laughter) then, outrage in the n.f.l. though after a few more concussions who will remember? (laughter) and my guest, claressa shields, is the first woman to win gold in olympic boxing. i will float like a butterfly and ask questions also like a butterfly. (laughter) i have gotten a iphone 5! (cheers and applause) and apple maps says i'm in
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norway! this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to "the report." (audience chanting "stephen"). (cheers and applause) thank you, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to "the report." please, thank you for joining us. i lost the emmy. (laughter) speaking of losing, mitt romney.
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(laughter) he has had a run of bad luck lately and this past weekend was no different. on saturday, ann romney's plane had to make an emergency landing after an electrical fire broke out on board. now, i'm happy to hear that she is fine. no one's sure what happened, though ann swears she saw a gremlin on the wing. (laughter) and mitt used this close call to present a bold idea. >> when you have a fire in the-- in an aircraft, there's no place to go, exactly. there's no-- and you can't find any oxygen from outside the aircraft to get in the aircraft because the windows don't open. i don't know why they don't do that. (laughter) but it's a real problem. >> stephen: it is a real problem. (laughter) for one thing, it explains why burger king doesn't have a fly-through window. (laughter) folks, folks, this is real leadership. mitt romney has identified a new
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frontier! just as kennedy challenged us to put a man on the moon-- >> we choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other things. not because they are easy, but because they are hard! >> stephen: yes, and mitt romney is now challenging us to add pow erwin does to the delta shuttle! not because it is easy but because it is impossible! (cheers and applause) did ken i do a lot of this? i didn't see kennedy do a lot of this. (laughter) a lot of people can do the voice. doing this. (laughter) now, folks, the air pressure patrol out there is going to say that rolling down the window will cause all the passengers to get sucked out. wrong! obviously he will put screens on the windows. (laughter) you don't want mosquitos at
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30,000 feet. think. now, given this kind of bold vision from mitt romney, i am shocked that the latest "national journal" poll has obama leading romney by seven points! but folks there is no reason to panic. fox news will panic for you. (laughter) >> i think these polls in the battleground states understate romney's support. >> i don't believe that the polls really matter until the debates begin. >> i think one of the first times that we should look at the polls in real sincerity is after one or two of the debates. >> stephen: yeah! after one or two of the debates. mid-october. give it time. (laughter) the romney campaign is only on their third reboot since the convention! we've had businessman romney, foreign policy romney, latino romney. (laughter) but we still haven't seen aqua romney! (laughter and applause) he-- (cheers and applause) he uses his mental powers to
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tell fish that 47% of them are just lampreys. (laughter) so conservatives, just forget about the polls! it is way too soon to start mourning the death of the romney campaign. and i am not in denial here, because that would mean i was starting the five stages of grief. and i am not! oh, that makes me so angry! (laughter) and i will do anything not to be going through the five stages! let's make a deal, god. i'm so sad. (laughter) well, nothing more i can do. (laughter) (cheers and applause) time to give in. time to just-- time to just give up. which i won't, because everything's fine! (laughter) mitt is going to win! and that is good, because, folks, the importance of this race cannot be overstated! >> the choice you face won't
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just be between two candidates or two parties, it will be a choice between two different paths for america. a choice between two fundamentally different visions for the future. >> i think the president's right. i think this is a very clear choice for the american people as to what america's tpaoufp will look like. >> stephen: yes, it is a very clear choice between a man who says this is a clear choice and a man who agrees with him. (laughter) and folks, here-- (applause). here is what's at stake! 30 years ago, ronald reagan crystalize it had conservative ideology into one immortal soundbite. >> government is not the solution to our problems; government is the problem. >> stephen: and he went on to prove that over the next eight years. (laughter) folks, modern conservatism means limited government! and the self-evident truth that tax breaks for the wealthy are good for the poor! it's like the old saying.
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the rich get richer, hooray! (applause) but with this election, those conservative values are being put to the ultimate test. >> if obama wins, let me tell you what it's the end of: the republican party. >> stephen: no surprise. republican parties don't last long once the black guy shows up. (cheers and applause) and to fight for the g.o.p.'s very existence we have chosen mitt romney as our standard bearer. unfortunately, no one can stand or bear him. (laughter) even some conservatives like peggy noonan who cut loose in the "wall street journal" saying "it's time to admit the romney campaign is an incompetent one." now, that sounds harsh but she issued a correction two days later saying, "i called it incompetent, i really meant rolling calamity." (laughter) but noonan has offered mitt a
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crucial bit of advice to win this election. "if he is serious he has to put in place a guiding philosophy." so there it is, from noonan, reagan's original wordsmith. but where this late in the campaign will mitt romney find a guiding philosophy? it seems hopeless! so this weekend i pinched out a loaf of hope! (applause) tonight i am proud to introduce my new book "america again: rebecomeing the greatness we never weren't." (cheers and applause) it is fulle market principles and tonight in keeping with those principles my coverage of me talking about my own book is brought to you by burger king-- home of the "why
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don't you buy this book"? (laughter) folks, this is the complete conservative guiding principle that mitt needs on everything: jobs, health care, even the controversial practice of hydrofracking which i explain with the help of a cartoon farting dinosaur. (applause) but don't worry. it's not all that technical. and mitt romney, the first copy is yours! second copy is mine. (laughter) i can't wait to read it. now let me just inscribe this bad boy right here. okay. uh-huh. uh-huh. "to mitt, use this book to become president." (laughter) "just make me ambassador to middle earth. (cheers and applause) yours, stephen colbert."
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okay. put that bad boy in an envelope and send! (cheers and applause) and for my few viewers out there who aren't mitt romney, you can get your own copy at bookstores everywhere starting next week if there are still bookstores anywhere next week. we'll be right back.
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody! later in my show tonight my guest will be claressa shields, the first-ever female olympic gold medalist in boxing. that is my dream job! (laughter) traveling the world punching foreigners in the face. (laughter) this is the sport report. (cheers and applause) nation, a couple weeks back i broke the story about how the n.f.l. owners locked out its union referees and is now using replacements from division 3 college football, high school football, and, i believe,
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european football. (laughter) in fact, in the last week's jets/dolphins game, both teams got a yellow card for using their hands. (laughter) the n.f.l. is also using several referees that were allegedly fired by the lingerie league for on field incompetent officiating. (laughter) for some reason, after every down they had to watch the slow motion replay. (laughter) but now these replacement refs are getting flak just because their innocent mistakes are determining the outcomes of games! (laughter) just listen to fox news' the brown haired guy who's not steve doocy. >> the calls to bring back regular n.f.l. refs sure to heat up after last night's game. if you're watching this show you probably didn't watch this game. would they complete this pass? the refs say so. the packers scored if the interception really in my mind. >> stephen: also in ms. mind, pancakes. (laughter) folks, people are pissed!
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including the packers guard t.j. lang tweeted "got (bleep)ed by the refs. embarrassing. thanks n.f.l. ". (cheers and applause) and believe me, the packers know embarrassing. (laughter) this call upset even union-busting governor and packer fan scott walker who tweeted "after catching a few hours of sleep, the packers game is still just as painful" adding the hashtag "return the real refs." now, i can see why he wants the union refs back. i mean, crushing the teachers union is fine, but he might have had money on that game! well, sorry, governor walker, but the n.f.l.'s numbers are against you because t.v. ratings are at record highs. sunday night's ratings were up 8% over a year ago which means the free market has spoken! that was a great call!
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(laughter) because apparently people are tuning in just to see terrible calls! and that was one of the greatest worst calls in football history. (laughter) right up there with brett favre pressing "send." (laughter) people-- they love it. people love sports disasters. that's why they watch nascar or the mets. (audience reacts) i say the n.f.l. should incorporate other things that entertainingly ruin the game. for instance, stop mowing the grass. (laughter) or if you must mow it, make the ground crew spend 20 minutes in a gyroscope before they paint the lines on the field. (laughter) and maybe swap out the uprights for those wavy car dealership guys. (applause)
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so i say let the lockout continue! these replacement refs are great for business! (laughter) i just hope they're demanding to get paid what they're worth. i mean, if the owners don't give it to them, they should really form a union. (laughter) we'll be right back. úúúúúúúú÷ó[[[o[m[m[m[
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody, thank you so much! my guest tonight is the first woman to win gold in olympic boxing. that's called punching through the glass ceiling. (laughter) please welcome claressa shields. (cheers and applause) clas rea, thank you so much for coming on. what an honor, olympic champion, thank you so much. an historic olympic champion at that. now, young lady, how was london? >> london was great, i had a glorious time. it was fun. >> stephen: did you ever think
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when you were a kid-- how old were you when you started boxing? >> i was 11. >> stephen: what drew you-- there were a lot of sports out there, you know? you could have played basketball, you could have played softball, why boxing? >> i just simply-- to make it simple, i love hitting people. (laughter). (laughter). >> stephen: i'm glad you're not a waitress. >> (laughs). >> stephen: i'll keep that in mind as we go forward with this interview. what is it you enjoy most about hitting the people? (laughter) >> i think it must be about when shall be hits me and then when i hit them back it's like they can hit me hard and i'm like "okay, i'm about to hit you back harder." and sometimes i make them cry and that's a wonderful thing. (laughter and applause) >> stephen: is there crying in boxing? do people sometimes cry up there? >> yes. >> stephen: i didn't realize there was crying in boxing?
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>> the girl i beat cried. >> stephen: so for the gold medal you fought a us areky, okay? you fought a russky. what country is it most satisfying to punch in the face? >> (laughs) all of them! (applause). >> stephen: that's nice. can i see the gold medal? >> yeah. >> stephen: oh, that thing is heavy. >> yeah. >> stephen: you have to be in shape just to wear it. >> yeah. >> stephen: so how much training? what's your day like? how much time do you spend in the ring training? >> well, up in flint i usually go down-- i run in the morning and that's probably about an hour, then i sleep through the day then probably 6:00 to 8:30 i work out. so that's eight hours during the day. so training camp was different. >> stephen: so you live in flynt, michigan, and you enjoy punching people. do you ever run into michael moore because he's from flint-- just for me, just go-- "this one is from stephen colbert."
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(laughter) right across the chops. he's a heavy-- what weight class are you? >> middle weight. >> stephen: is that a compliment for a woman? >> (laughs) >> stephen: mihdar ling you're a middle weight tonight. >> yeah, it's better than people saying heavyweight. that's an insult i think. >> stephen: are there heavyweights? do women go up to heavyweights? >> yeah, up in women's boxing if you're over 178 pounds they call you a heavyweight. >> stephen: now, as the first woman to win an olympic gold medal, you're the first, you're a pioneer. but who were the role models? who are the boxers you said "i want to box like that"? >> it wasn't even women. i looked at joe louis, sugar ray robinson, tommy hearns, i never looked at any of the women. >> stephen: okay, because you're the first olympic champion for women so you-- in some ways you have to look up to yourself. (laughter) which is big shoes to fill. (laughter)
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but i think you can do it. >> yeah, i can do it. yeah. >> stephen: did i just blow your mind? (laughter) >> i never-- i always try not to think too big about it. really when i'm bogging i never even looked at any other female boxer. i was just like "i immediate to be better than whoever's out there." >> stephen: now you have style in the ring. a lot of olympic boxing is staid, very-- very quiet and formal. but you had a little razzle dazzle out there. did that throw your opponents? >> razzle dazzle? um-- >> stephen: it's a technical term. (laughter) >> i think it did. you know, like nobody moves their head like me, nobody does this that like i do. (applause) (laughs) >> stephen: all right. can you-- i'm very excited about the fact that we have the united states-- the united states has you as our pioneer in this but i
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was always taught not to hit a lady, okay? is it okay for me to do that now? (laughter) >> um-- don't hit me. >> stephen: don't hit you? no, because it would be the last punch i ever throw. (laughter) do i look punchable? i've been told i've got a punchable head. (laughter) where would you punch me? right here? a (laughs) right here? and then once the blood stopped-- (laughter). would you just here is my head off with one punch? >> no, i would say sorry for hitting you. >> stephen: oh, that's nice. but it would feel good for you because i would start crying. >> (laughs) yeah, that would make my day. (laughter) >> stephen: well, please come back another time and throw a punch at me. >> all right. >> stephen: thank you so much. olympic gold medalist claressa shields! we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: well, that's it for "the report" everybody,
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captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) . >> jon: welcome to "the daily show"! my name is jon stewart. very excited tonight. our guest tonight, we're very excited, king abdullah of jordan is going to be joining us on the program tonight, very excited. (cheers and applause) but first-- but first i have a question i'd like to ask you. (laughter) a fellow in the audience right before the show, a fellow in the audience asked a nice lady to marry him. here's the crazy part: met her
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in line. (laughter and applause) no. eight years. they've been going out for eight years. it was-- (applause). it was a very moving and heart felt moment. i thought punctuated by the phrase-- which i think should be a hallmark card-- (laughter) "(bleep) yeah i'll marry you." (cheers and applause) beautiful. got you right here. got you right here. very exciting. and obviously they're canadian so their babies, i'm sure, will be gay socialists. (laughter) whatever it is canadians make up there. i don't know. (laughter) anyway, king abdullah, of course, he is in new york city for the u.n. general assembly, or, as we like to think of it, the reason i can't get to work because of traffic! (laughter) the event has s a gathering in the international juggalos. with libya in turmoil, syria in
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flames, iran on the verge of a nuclear weapon, an incredible opportunity for our president not just to address the world community but for some high-level pres-on-pres action. >> the white house says he has no plans to have any private leadings with world leaders. >> jon: oh. (laughter) well, that's-- probably protocol. it's not the time for one-on-one meetings with other world leaders! >> our research shows it's been 20 years since a president has been to that meeting and not met one on one with a foreign leader. (audience reacts). >> jon: oh. (laughter) well, i guess if the world leaders would like to meet with him personally they can just donate $5 to his campaign and take their chances like the rest of us. (laughter) seriously. i'm sure there's a good reason why president obama's not going to be face to face with world leaders in these difficult and historic times. >> the president obviously has a busy schedule. he has a busy schedule all time. >> jon:ea
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